— Forwarded Message:
Hello my love,
The discomfort came back and became even stronger after the email I wrote you yesterday. Strangely, I could see myself do all the things that would make it worse including resistance and judgements. It seems in a way like I’ve been choosing to do so, and at the same time couldn’t or didn’t want to stop. As if something in me just wanted to make it worse and see what happens.
So I’ve been feeling very uncomfortable and lost. Then by the time it got ‘as bad as it gets’ according to my mind, something else started to happen. And I don’t know what it is. What I thought was really bad and unacceptable doesn’t mean much anymore. It started to feel sort of neutral, and as if circuits or limitations in my brain were being undone.
I feel like I really don’t know anything. I don’t know if there is a self or not, if there is such a thing as choice and what responsability means. I wonder that I used to think I did understand some of this. I see that much of that was my ego wanting to be someone who knows. I don’t know who is who and what is what, I only see that there’s something which seems to get very disturbed and something which sees that. And something that comments about everything. I feel as if I were sort of brainwashed, but it feels nice.
It’s interesting, I’ve seen a few movies these days, all of them very good. And all were about people being faced to extremley defficult situations (much worse than whatever I’m experiencing, I couldn’t even begin to compare) and living them with grace and acceptance. They were beautiful reminders.
With much love,
— End of Forwarded Message
Reply:
Hi Love,
Your symptoms sound excellent. This is a time where things that have been held are emerging — individually and collectively. Just let these situations unfold.
The mind is a machine and it is programmed and addicted to keep running the same programs over and over. It will keep running the same program until it is neutralised — by awareness and acceptance that it is.
What you seem not to have got yet is that everything is always the way it is supposed to be, for the maximum potential. And even if it is not the way it is supposed to be for the maximum potential, what can you do about it anyway! Just be with what is.
The image of the self is self created. No thoughts, no image, no self. Mature, immature, all irrelevant. Just be honest to the moment. The moment you think, you are lost from the moment and into the labyrinths of the past projected into the future. Nowhere. I am about to write a lot more about this. Soon.
paul