Hi Love,
If you look back through your emails to me you will see that you ask virtually the same question each time. I translate your question to be: ‘ Is it alright to be me. ’ If there are any powers invested in me, I grant you full permission to be you. In fact, I demand that you do not be any other way than being you!
Unjoking apart, you mentioned in one of your recent emails that it would be good to write a book that does not refer to the past. Excellent idea.
If you did not refer to the past, or your conditioning about what is allowed and not allowed, good and bad, right and wrong, possible and not possible, how would you have your life? Disconnect from that programmed part of the brain and look to see: what is an intelligent way to live.
Do you really want to be doing something that you do not really want to be doing? Do you want to live with someone who complains more than they are grateful? Who brings the energy down more than they take it up? For what. Ask yourself. For sex? Does sex stay exciting with someone you have lived with for some time? Do you eat the same food each day and enjoy it as much as the first time? Masturbate, or pay a really good prostitute — much less expensive, and out of the routine — which can be more exciting! For love? Who feels loved! To be happy? Who is happy! To be healthy? Who can guarantee that! To be safe, secure and have life predictable? Do you really think that is possible!
The alarm is ringing – so let’s all wake up and look at life as it really is, and how we would like it to be.
You say: ”I told her I was either so evolved that I no longer need relationship, or so un-evolved that I cant be in one? ”
Excuse me — I thought we were not going to refer to the past — who told you that you have to be in a relationship! Just look at their lives!
”I find myself so used to being independent and free doing what I want without compromise that I find being in relationship (traditional) quite difficult. ”
Difficult! — its virtually impossible to stay free and happy in one. And what for? — because you want to be safe, secure and predictable. You want to be free, and her be the way you want her to be — predictable?
”and I have zero complaint with the woman I am with.. so is this the epitome of being selfish? ”
Here we go again. Being you is not being selfish, it is being you. Selfish is anything you do that does not suite the other person.
”I also find that with a girlfriend I am much less sexual — which I don’t know if it is because I am comfortable and casual with her, or if it means I am sexually bored? ”
This is something else. Do you still play with toy soldiers? No. And I know that some immature people do. No, you do not play with children’s toys because you are no long that age of child. Sex, the way most people do it, is immature. Very few mature into sex as an expression of love. Nothing wrong with it, but like any other addiction to escape the present moment just as it is, you have to keep varying it to keep it fun.
This the thing my friend, you are not fulfilled., and you are not looking to be — you are just looking for outside fulfilment. You need the outside to make life bearable/not boring. And I want to make this very clear — there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. There is no such thing as wrong. But like any drug, it does not work for long, or bring inner fulfilment.
You indicate that because she is young and beautiful, your connection will not survive. You are creating your own reality — and interfering with hers. You are a very, very exceptional person — she is lucky to be spending time with you. Give life/her a chance.
And the one thing I keep mentioning to you — we all need to be giving back.
Sending love… paul