A friend shared:
I have a 16 year old son and I feel responsible for him. Every night he sits in front of the TV,
he does nothing else. He has a lot of aggression and negative thoughts – he painted his
room completely black. He says he wants to become a beggar. And it is a very thin line
for me between letting go and being responsible.
———————————————————-
Most people don’t remember the pain of being young. The suicide rates for children
and teenager are shooting up because it all feels hopeless. Nobody is really interested
what they feel and what they think. Instead we want them to sit still in the classroom,
on a hard bench and listen to boring stuff. They feel like they are wasting their life. In
addition their sexual energy starts to arise and they are switching between being a man
and a boy, confronted with a society that basically demands the suppression of sexuality.
This is their time to be alive, to play and to experiment. But it is not allowed. Our system
does not encourage being alive!
Tremendous frustration builds up as they realize they can not fight the system. Also it is
part of their natural development to be a rebel. It is healthy. They have to say “No” to you.
And if you are an intelligent person, you will not fight back, you will never be an authority.
I am remember my youngest daughter saying: “The only complaint I have about you as
a parent is, I don’t have a complaint. You never resisted me. You always said, ok do it.”
Our two children did not go to school. We lived in a community and there was no
obligation for them to go to school. And one day they said: “I want to go to school.
”Within two years they passed all their exams. And then one of them went to University
and did a four-year course in two years. And the other one went on a seven-year course
in child psychotherapy.
So here is a possibility. You go into his room and say: “So you like your room dark? Oh,
there is a little bit of white there. I’ll go and get a black pen. You want to sit and watch
television? I’ll buy a new television with a split screen so that you can watch four
programs at the same time.”
Go with the energy, because if you fight it, he will fight back.
Did you know that some beggars are very rich? Say to him: “If you want to be a beggar,
go and find the most professional beggar you can find and train.” It doesn’t matter
whether he does or not – encourage him. Just look at begging as a profession.
Begging doesn’t do any harm. In fact it gives a person a chance to pass on something
– to give is a gift for the giver.
Encourage them to be who they are. Don’t fight because if you fight, all they do is
spend their energy fighting with you. It is better to say: “Ok, what can we do? If you want
to be a beggar I’ll buy you a really nice hat.” Do you get the principal?
The other thing is, when you are fighting a child, they don’t realize you love them. If you
care for them you say: ”I would like you to be happy. I would like you to be healthy. I
would like you to learn a trade that will support you for the rest of your life. But if not, it
is your life.”
You see, what you feel is concern. Caring says: “I would love you to be happy. But if not, it
is your life.” Concern says: “I want you to be happy so I can feel comfortable.” And that is
taking, not giving.